Hoosier Deep Throat, North Carolina, IU Recruiting, Jennifer Lopez, IU-Kentucky

A ringing phone blasted us from sleep just as the clock struck midnight. The gruff voice was curt and insistent.

“Get your butt to Wildemuth. The basement.”

Hoosier Deep Throat had something to say.

We reached Wildemuth Intramural Center under cover of darkness. We got to the basketball courts, the place where Indiana once played its college games back when crowds could smoke and two-handed set shots ruled the action.

We found a little used side door, unlocked as we knew it would be, and descended a narrow stone stairway that looked like it might have been used as part of the Underground Railroad that once led slaves to freedom.

We reached the bottom and heard the sound of someone dribbling a basketball from somewhere at the end of a stone hallway. The air was damp and smelled slightly of sulfur. A single light bulb flickered as if burnout was seconds away. The light swayed like a hypnotist’s watch, as if watching it too long would put you in a trance so that anything, even a John Calipari manifesto, would make sense. Next to it was a door marked, Al Capone’s Secret Vault.

Too late for Geraldo Rivera, it seems.

We emerged in an underground court. It was surrounded by stone walls and black ceiling wooden beams. Two ceiling lights provided enough light to tease rather than see. The smell of sulfur was even stronger and we began to wonder if being here was a good idea.

Shadows cloaked the far corner of the court like a shroud. Yellow tape, like you’d see in a murder investigation, blocked the court off from those who might wander onto it. A solitary figure was shooting baskets in that far dark corner. Lack of light, it seemed, had little affect on his accuracy.

Hoosier Deep Throat.

“It’s about time,” he said. His words were punctuated by snapping nets, the lone evidence of made baskets.

We stayed on the safe side of the tape. From the darkness we saw the flash of what looked like a totally bald head.

"I see that IU is gonna get a big victory come November," Deep Throat said. "North Carolina is coming to Assembly Hall and ain't no way the Tar Heels will handle that. Tom Crean should give whoever schedules the Big Ten/ACC Challenge a big hug the Hoosiers didn't get North Carolina State. Now that's a team that will scare you next season."

We knew IU had drawn North Carolina as part of the annual Challenge event. Crean had tweeted that the game would be like a track meet played at warp speed because both teams like to run, and predicted Assembly Hall would be bedlam because of fan excitement and energy. We also knew the Tar Heels had lost three players early to the NBA -- sophomores Harrison Barnes and Kendall Marshall, and junior John Henson. Still, it seemed silly to count out a Roy Williams team six months early.

 "I can tell you don't believe me," Deep  Throat said. "North Carolina is gonna be young, just like Kentucky was. Assembly Hall will likely be its first true road game. The Tar Heels won't be ready for this kind of Hoosier hospitality. They'll go down faster than Bobby Petrino's college football coaching stock."

The lights flickered as if emphasizing his point. 

“Remember this name,” Deep Throat said. “Hyron Edwards. The son of a buck can play. Would have liked to have seen him matched up with Eron Gordon. That son of a buck can play, too.”

Edwards is the East Chicago Central freshman standout who has scholarship offers from Indiana (he had a long unofficial visit to IU on Friday night) and Purdue, with Illinois, Michigan and Michigan State moving in. Gordon is the eighth grade brother of NBA star Eric Gordon. Crean already has offered him.

“Saw a lot of talent at that Adidas May Classic,” Deep Throat said, “and Edwards might be the best point guard I’ve seen in a long, long time.”

“We’ve seen him,” we said. “He’s good. Crean continues to recruit young and well.”

“That Eron Gordon, it’s hard to believe he’s just an eighth grader,” Deep Throat said. We heard him swish another basket. “Indiana and Purdue already have offered him. Makes you wonder how some of these families –- the Gordons, the Zellers, the Plumlees –- keep producing all these stud kids.”

Deep Throat began dribbling fast and furious, like a drum solo in a rock band.

“There’s that Jalen Coleman, the Indianapolis Cathedral point guard with offers from IU and Purdue,” Deep Throat said above the dribbling. “He’s awful thin, but, well, a college coach could make a fine living just by getting guys from the state.”

We knew guys like 6-8 forward Gary Bonds (Indianapolis Scecina), 6-3 guard K.J. Walton (Brownsburg), 6-5 forward Jaraan Lands (Brownsburg) were at the Adidas May Classic and drawing lots of IU interest. So was Stanford Robinson, a 6-4 shooting guard from Virginia rated as the nation’s No. 88 player in the Class of 2013. He, too, was part of the Adidas May Classic, an annual event that continues to draw big-time talent.

“You’re right, but is this why you called?”

The dribbling stopped. A match was struck and the glowing end of a cigarette waved at us from the other end of the court.

“Hell, no. It’s the Indiana-Kentucky series. I can’t believe these nimrods screwed up such a good thing.”

His voice echoed off the stone walls.

“A lot of IU fans blame UK coach John Calipari for his insistence on moving the games to a neutral site,” we said.

“They don’t know jack. Yeah, he’s stirring up trouble. The man can’t help himself, but it takes two sides to mess up something this big.”

“It’s been a couple of weeks," we said. "Why is this riling you up now?”

“I’ve been riled up since the day Indiana announced the series was deader than the Chicago Bulls’ NBA playoff hopes,” Deep Throat said. He tossed the cigarette to the floor, stomped it out, lit another.

“Sure, Calipari has his own agenda. Guess, what? Every coach in America has one, too. He’s looking out for his program’s best interest. Check that. He’s looking out for his perception of what’s in his program’s best interest. He wants a presence in Indianapolis. He doesn’t want to play in Assembly Hall. He has this distorted “We’re the gold standard” view of the college basketball world.

“But he ain’t the only culprit in this mess."

We heard the swish of another made basket. Hoosier Deep Throat could give Jordan Hulls a run for his shooting money.

“Look, Crean is a smart guy,” Deep Throat said. “And the athletic director, Fred Glass, he’s a smart guy, too. But they’ve been dipping into fool’s gold here.”

“What does that mean?”

“Let’s say you have a chance to have sex with Jennifer Lopez,” Deep Throat said. “She wants to do it in a bedroom. You want to do it in the living room. You can’t agree, so you say, if we can’t do it in the living room, we aren’t going to do it at all.

“Are you kidding me? Do it in the kitchen, a closet, the garage, your neighbor’s garage, whatever. Make it work.

“Why would you be that dumb to just throw it all away? If you do that, somebody should kick your behind into the next county.

“And yet, that’s what Indiana did.”

We paused. “Are you REALLY comparing sex with Jennifer Lopez to IU playing UK in basketball?”

“Hell, yes,” Deep Throat said.

“You take this seriously.”

Deep Throat took a long drag from his cigarette. “I live for two things – IU basketball and sex, and at my age, well, it’s mostly basketball.”

“That’s too much information.”

“How’s this for information,” Deep Throat said. “IU should have immediately replaced Kentucky with Louisville. It’s a no-brainer. It’s a close school, a powerhouse. It would be a game fans would embrace. TV networks would pay big bucks for it. Recruits nation-wide would watch. But the Hoosiers ain’t interested. What does that tell you?”

We answered with silence.

“Crean don’t like (Louisville coach Rick) Pitino. That’s what it tells you if you read between the lines. The only reason they played before was because Marquette and Louisville were in the Big East and they had to play each other. Crean doesn’t have to play him now and he won’t.

“So guess what? Look for another Stony Brook or Savannah State to show up at Assembly Hall. I could just throw up!”

Suddenly Deep Throat kicked the basketball. It smashed off a ceiling beam, banged into a stone wall, and rattled into a large metal garbage can. It was a one in a million shot and it reminded us of a legendary, long-ago kicked ball into a garbage can by Bob Knight during a long ago Assembly Hall practice.

“Maybe you’re just being pessimistic,” we said.

“As sure as there’s a fool in Congress,” Deep Throat said, “that’s what Indiana is going to wind up with. Boy, that burns me.”

For an instance, it seemed the sulfur smell had grown even stronger.

"But regardless of who IU plays in the non-conference, it's a national title contender," we said. "It still has the Big Ten-ACC Challenge. It might play UCLA or Georgetown or Georgia in New York. It plays Butler in Indy with the Crossroads Classic. And the Big Ten will be brutally tough again. And remember, IU is a preseason No. 1. This might be the season the Hoosiers win the national title for the first time since 1987. Aren't you making more out of this there is there?"

Silence answered us. Deep Throat was gone.