Beat Kentucky By Building New Assembly Hall

Some of you might have seen that Indiana ranks ninth nationally in attendance by averaging 16,462 for this past season.

You also might have noticed that Kentucky ranks No.1.

Does that get your Cream ‘n Crimson blood boiling?

Of course it does!

Consider this. If IU averaged a sellout for every game, which would be 17,222, it would only rank fifth nationally behind UK (23,721), Syracuse (23,619), Louisville (21,503) and North Carolina (20,159).

That’s bull!!

That leads to an obvious conclusion -- it’s time for Indiana to build a new, bigger and better basketball arena. If you’ve ever sat high up in Assembly Hall, which has been known to cause a fear of heights even in experienced mountain climbers, you know how good this would be.

Assembly Hall was designed based on -- and we are not making this up -- a livestock pavilion. In other words, the building that has become synonymous with Hoosier basketball for the last 40-plus years was based on a barn.

To be brief, IU officials got their design idea for Assembly Hall in the late 1940s, but didn’t have the funds to build it until the late 1960s. When they finally did get the money, they saw no reason to update the architectural plans (which would have cost money), even though they were 20 years old. In fact, being the fiscal conservatives that they were (others might call them tightwads), they also used the plans for Memorial Stadium.

So Assembly Hall was dated from the day it opened, and fans have suffered ever since.

It’s time to change that, but money is still a problem. It would cost around $150 million for IU to build a new basketball palace. That’s a lot, almost as much as John Calipari makes per Assembly Hall-dodging excuse, which is why we at Hoosierhoopla want to help.

We have begun a Build-A-New-Assembly-Hall fund that will ensure Hoosier fans get the type of home game experience they deserve. There will be bells, whistles, 25,000-or-so seats, exotic foods, inspiring music and a few surprises courtesy of Hugh Hefner and Lady Gaga.

Plus, with our fund, $1 out of every $2 will go exclusively to the new arena.

What happens to the other dollar? That’s for administrative costs that include trips to Hawaii and Paris, a fleet of Ferraris and a year’s supply of hot fudge sundaes.

Hey, administrating hundreds of millions of dollars is stressful!!!

For those interested, and to avoid the hassle of dealing with checks, just email us your credit card number (including the security code and expiration date!), social security number and mother’s maiden name.

What could be simpler?

As for those who say, “Hey, this is bogus. It’s a scam!,” stop being selfish. It’s not about you. It’s about doing something for the common good and showing Kentucky where the real gold standard program is.

In just a few short months, IU will be well on its way to kicking those scared-of-playing-in-Assembly-Hall Wildcats’ behinds in attendance. We’ll update you on the construction status no matter where we might be (the island of Santorini is near the top of the list) because we care that you care.

Remember, you’re doing this for your university.  We’re just here to help.

*****

Zach Mayhew might not be a household name in an Indiana sports world dominated by Cody and Christian and Jordy, but he’s done something that no one in the history of Hoosier sports has done – win the Big Ten 10,000 meter championship.

Mayhew won on Friday in Madison, Wis., when he broke the Badgers’ Elliott Krause in the final 300 meters of the 6.2-mile race. His winning time of 28:55.06 was 30 seconds faster than any previous race at Wisconsin’s McClimon Complex. It was the fourth fastest time in school history and 25 seconds better than Mayhew’s previous person best.

*****

This has NOTHING to do with Indiana or sports, but in the interest of enlightenment, we are passing on this email we received that demonstrates the differences in perception between men and women.

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. 

  

Husband's Diary:

 A five putt...who the hell five putts?