Welcome to the Mr. Controversy Show. We aim to provide the kind of provocative content that will raise blood pressures, stir passions and incite the kind of passion normally reserved for Chelsea Handler gatherings.
Accuracy, you see, is sometimes SOOOO over-rated.
Today we’ve come to Indiana in anticipation for Saturday’s epic game against No. 1 Kentucky. This will be a nationally televised chance for the Hoosiers to show whether their 8-0 start marks the beginning of a return to national relevance or reflects good, old-fashioned patsy scheduling.
All that’s well and good, but we want drama, intrigue and dirt –- you know, the kind of truth you get from a Kim Kardashian special.
We remember several years ago, when the Hoosiers played Kentucky in football and a Hoosier player said the Wildcats played dirty. Ahh, the excitement that generated! Those were the days, when real men didn’t eat quiche, they called each other names. We can’t wait for the trash talking and bad mouthing to begin.
We show up at the Assembly Hall media room ready for press conference action. In walks Jordan Hulls and Cody Zeller, who seem as verbally dangerous as Mr. Rogers.
Oh, no. We’ve got a bad feeling about this.
EDITOR’S NOTE -– The questions have been changed to reflect a WWE feel. Truth sometimes has to be altered for the common good. Mr. Controversy will provide what America wants to hear. The player answers, however, are the player answers.
Q: Guard play could be a Wildcats weak link. Do you target that because you know they will break?
HULLS: We just have to keep doing what we have been doing all year - get deflections and have constant pressure with our hands all over the ball. If we do that and play team defense and play help-side defense and not let him get in the lane because he is really good at throwing lobs and things like that. We have to keep that to a minimum and let our on-ball pressure create our offense for us."
MR. CONTROVERSY: The guards are going down, just like the Wildcats.
Q: You guys have gone through a lot of crap the last couple of years. Are you tough enough to kick some Wildcat rump?
HULLS: "I would say we have come a long way over the past couple years. But even two years ago, we prepared the same way with the same intensity. This is a different team and a new year and we feel good about what is going on and we are working hard in practice every day. Yes, we are more mature than my freshman year."
MR. CONTROVERSY: Our time is now. Kentucky is toast.
Q: Forget that line about treating every game the same. Students are so jacked up they want to camp out in the cold. How badly do you want to smoke these guys?
HULLS: “Yes, everyone is real pumped up for the game, of course. They are ranked No. 1 in the country and are coming into our hometown so people are really excited about it. But it is just a basketball game and we are really excited to get this going. It is going to be a fun atmosphere for sure and we are really excited about the fans and their support."
MR. CONTROVERSY: Kentucky is toast.
Q: How do you stay calm considering this is the biggest game of your lives, and everything you do will be magnified, scrutinized and remembered for all time? Win and the most gorgeous women on campus will have their ways with you. Lose and your mothers will disavow your relation to them.
HULLS: “We are preparing for this game as we have every other game. As far as the fan base, everyone on campus is buzzing a little bit. But we are mature enough to keep our composure and take it one game at a time."
MR. CONTROVSERY: To quote Lloyd Bridges in the movie, “Airplane,” Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue.
Q: Cody, you get to match up against Kentucky’s Anthony Davis, who is like 7-7 and 360 pounds. He’s blocked like a thousand shots already. What’s up with that?
ZELLER: “He is definitely a great player. I played against him quite a bit in the summer last year. But I have played against a lot of good players already this year -- guys like Andrew Smith (Butler) and North Carolina had a few good guys inside. I think each game I am just trying to improve and this will just be another step for that."
MR. CONTROVERSY: I’m gonna stuff him like he’s a Thanksgiving turkey.
Q: What’s it like playing the No. 1 team in the country in your building?
ZELLER: “I'll tell you after the game on Saturday. I have never experienced it so we are just going to prepare for it like any other game. The fans are excited but inside the locker room and on the practice court we are going to prepare just like any other game."
MR. CONTROVERSY: It’s gonna be better than dating Jennifer Lopez.
Q: You’ve DATED Jennifer Lopez?
Mr. CONTROVERSY: You ask too many bleeping questions.