Saturday, August 13, 2011

In The Know? Hoosier Deep Throat On Gary Harris, And More

We had just checked out the latest implosion of our investment portfolio –- guess we love to torture ourselves –- when the phone rang. The voice was hoarse and raspy, as if its owner had spent the last hour arguing with Zac and Jack. Or is it Jack and Zac? Or Jack and Zakk? We can’t keep those radio dudes straight and, to be honest, we don’t want to.

Anyway, it was Hoosier Deep Throat.

“Can you keep a secret?” he asked.

“It depends on what the secret is?” we said, making no promises we couldn’t keep.”

“It’s about Gary Harris,” the voice said, referring to the much-sought-after Class of 2012 recruit.

We hesitated. The truth is such a burden.

“We won’t tell a soul,” we said.

We met at the usual parking garage a few minutes after midnight. It was hot and humid. Someone had removed the garage lights and darkness pressed in like the Pittsburgh Steelers’ defense. Smoke was thick in the air. The tip of a cigarette glowed from the darkness of a corner.

“Thought you’d quit smoking,” we said.

A dark shape shifted in the shadows. “Too much to worry about with Gary Harris and this Class of 2012 drama.”

“What drama? Tom Crean has reeled in probably the nation’s best basketball class. Cody Zeller is ready for his freshman debut. Glory days are coming.”

“Maybe,” Deep Throat said. “We gotta get Harris.”

Harris, a 6-6 shooting guard from Hamilton Southeastern ranked No. 28 nationally, has said he’ll take his official visits this fall before making a decision, probably in late October. It’s the same path Zeller took last year. It's great intrigue, but do we need more of than in a world that includes Carlos Zambrano?

“IU is a finalist,” we said. “Crean is all over this. He goes to Harris’ basketball games, workouts, football games and everywhere else he’s allowed to by NCAA rules. The man is a recruiting force of nature.”

“Yeah, but Purdue worries me. Michigan State worries me. The teenage mind worries me.”

A cigarette butt hit the concrete floor. Another cigarette was lit. Hoosier Deep Throat inhaled deeply.

“That’s a nasty habit,” we said.

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

Something flittered in the darkness above our heads and we got just enough of a glimpse to ID it –- a bat. Hoosier Deep Throat jumped back as if he’d been head butted.

“You need to relax,” we said. “If these were less politically correct times, we’d suggest you have a shot of rock-gut whiskey.”

Something flew out of the darkness. We caught it one-handed, just like Dallas Clark. It was a shot glass. We took a sniff. Rock-gut whiskey.

“It ain’t helping,” Hoosier Deep Throat said.

A car alarm went off in the distance. Was it just by chance or were deeper, darker forces at work, not that we were being paranoid just because we were alone in the dark with a mysterious, chain smoker.

“Forget Harris for a second,” we said. “Even if he doesn’t come to IU, Crean is loaded for the Class of 2012. There’s nothing to worry about. The program is headed in the right direction.”

Deep Throat took another drag of the cigarette. “Yogi Ferrell is the best guy in this class, first because IU has to have a true point guard, second because he’s really good. Jeremy Hollowell had a great summer. His casualness had worried me for a while, but he seems to have figured it out now. He can be a dominant player if he keeps it up. Hanner Perea is very athletic, but he needs to develop his skills. He’s a hard-working kid, so I’m sure he will. Crean and his staff will help with that once he gets to campus.”

A woman giggled from the street. A guy murmured in response. College romance was at work. Hoosier Deep Throat didn’t care.

“Peter Jurkin has been injured for what seems like forever,” he said. “That’s valuable development time he’s missed, and he needed development. Who knows how much he’ll be able to help when he gets to college. Ron Patterson having issues with his summer travel ball teams smacks of immaturity. I know he's young, and we were all young and didn't know what we didn't now. There's time for him to figure it out. Still, there are high maintenance guys, low maintenance guys and no maintenance guys. Crean has a big enough challenge without dealing with a high-maintenance guy, no matter how talented he might be.”

Another cigarette butt flew out of the darkness.

“It’s going to work out,” we said. “Crean and his staff can handle it. Now what do you got on Harris?”

Silence was as thick as the smoke. For a moment we wondered if Hoosier Deep Throat had left.

“Harris is a football player," he said at last. "That means he's really tough. A lot of basketball players don't want to mess with contact. The fact he does really says a lot. We gotta get a guy like that.

"He will pick the place that best fits his talents, that gives him the best chance to thrive and play for a winner, the place he feels most comfortable at with the coaches and players,” he said.

A long pause. Maybe stating the obvious had exhausted him.

“Crean is on such a recruiting roll it’s hard to imagine him losing on this,” Hoosier Deep Throat whispered. “But there’s only one way to know how this will end. Only one way to be sure."

"What's that?"

Somewhere in the darkness, a basketball bounced.

And then Hoosier Deep Throat was gone.



7 comments:

  1. Thanks -like many guys here I live for Deep Throat and although not totally satisfied with the encounter, there still could be a happy ending in the future.

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  2. This stupid article killed some of my braincells!

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  3. I believe you're referring to "rot-gut whiskey", aren't you?

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  4. Harris to MSU..take it from Carl Bernstein

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  5. Long pause. Reading silliness with no information had exhausted him.

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  6. Wow. I feel retarded for reading this. Jebus.

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  7. Outstanding, funny if you remeger Watergate, the movie or book. Thanks.

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