Sunday, August 29, 2010
Top 5 Signs IU Football Will Rock
Football season is here and it's time for REAL MAN prognasticating. That means we’re going to reveal the five key signs that will let you know, four days before the first kickoff, if Indiana is going to have a break-through season.
We’ll do this by analyzing all the data from every Indiana and BCS team game ever played. Also by climbing the highest mountain in Colorado. As a result, these signs are 100 percent guaranteed accurate, or your money back.
Any questions before we get started?
THIS IS THE INTERNET. WE DIDN’T PAY ANYTHING TO READ YOUR BLOG. BESIDES THERE’S NO WAY YOU ANALYZED ANYTHING CLOSE TO ALL THOSE GAMES.
First, that’s not a question. Second, let’s not confuse knowledge with wisdom. Third, go bake a cake.
Anyway, these are the five key areas that will determine Indiana’s success. If it goes 5-0, bet the house on a bowl game. If it’s 4-1, bet your neighbor’s house. If it’s 3-2 or worse, well, there’s always next year.
SIGN NO. 1: Indiana beats Towson by at least 25 points.
The Hoosiers need a decisive win. None of this hanging on in the fourth quarter stuff. They need to blow out the Tigers by halftime, then keep going in the second half.
Towson is, and we’re begin diplomatic here, not a powerhouse. It is a struggling Division I-AA team or whatever the name for that division is. The Tigers went 2-9 last year and lost their final six games by a combined 241-61. They lost 47-14 to Northwestern last year. The Wildcats, in case you’ve forgotten, went to a bowl game.
If IU struggles to beat Towson at home, what’s going to happen when it faces Big Ten teams?
Yes, Iowa barely beat Northern Iowa in last year’s season opener, then went on to kick rump, but as Confucius once said, Indiana ain’t no Iowa.
DID CONFUCIUS REALLY SAY THAT?
We’re professional journalists. We never make mistakes except when remembering Tyler Replogle’s first name. Or is that Adam?
SIGN NO. 2: The Hoosiers rush for at least 150 yards against Towson.
Nothing shows dominance like smash-mouth football. IU should be bigger, stronger and faster. It should -– as Carl Weathers as Apollo Creed once told Rocky in what should have been an Oscar-winning performance -– “be more man than him.”
The Hoosiers need to run over, through and around the Tigers. The line should open holes so big five sumo wrestlers could stomp through. The running backs should stiff-arm would-be tacklers into Brown County.
If they can’t, if the Tigers stuff the run and turn IU one-dimensional, well, break out the Barry Manilow CD. That would be easier to take.
SIGN NO. 3: Quarterback Ben Chappell completes at least 60 percent of his passes for more than 200 yards and never gets sacked.
Chappell set an IU single-season record by completing 62.6 percent of his passes last season, a big chunk of that against Big Ten defenses. He’s a 4.0 graduate student in the Kelley School of Business. He has one of the Big Ten’s best group of receivers at his disposal, plus is being protected by what should be a solid Big Ten offensive line. He’s a fifth-year senior who knows the offense inside and out. It’s an offense, by the way, designed to capitalize on his strengths.
Towson allowed opponents to complete 63.9 percent of their passes last season. It should be out-gunned all over the field. It should get torched so bad, IU’s new $2 million scoreboard should lock up from all the activity.
If not, well, did we mention Barry Manilow?
SIGN NO. 4: IU holds Towson to less than 10 points, 100 rushing yards and 150 passing yards.
If the Hoosiers really do have a solid defense, they need to show it right away. Stuff the run. Pressure the quarterback into irrelevance. Allow no big plays. Get off the field on third down.
This is their chance to make a big first defensive impression and that can only happen by doing their best Steel Curtain impression.
The Tigers remind nobody of, say, Oklahoma. They averaged just 13.5 points and 251.1 total yards last season. The Hoosiers with their young talent and 3-4 scheme should dominate.
If IU really is tired of being defensively mediocre, prove it.
SIGN NO. 5: Towson coaches accuse Hoosier coach Bill Lynch of going all Steve Spurrier and running up the score.
Forget all that touchy feely stuff about being nice and not trying to embarrass anybody. This is football. It’s about doing your best on every play. If you don’t like getting hammered, do something about it, like tackle somebody, score touchdowns and make a defensive stand.
If IU can score 60 points, do it. If it can get a shut out, do that, too.
And if somebody gets his feelings hurt, well, don't take the $50,000 or so guarantee money, put on a dress and start knitting.
Okay, we gotta go and eat some nails for breakfast.